Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Spirit Rejoices...

Someone once told me that if a woman ever says she enjoys pregnancy, she's lying.

I've since learned that's not quite true- there are actually a few women out there (keyword "few") that really do enjoy being pregnant. But I can tell you with certainty that if I ever tell you I enjoy pregnancy, I am lying.

I know I just posted about our joy in welcoming a new baby into the world, but man-oh-man if I could deliver a strong, healthy baby tomorrow I'd do it! The fatigue, the nausea, the endless symptoms yet to come... it really can be killer, I tell you.

I spent too much of my first two pregnancies wallowing in misery and self-pity as I fought to be a functioning human being. There were many "why me?" moments sitting on the bathroom floor, and my morning sickness was not even in the "severe" category. This time around, I felt more prepared to face the dragon, but in the days leading up to Week Six, I started to remember... and I started to get nervous. Then like clockwork, it hit. Six weeks on the dot, same as both previous pregnancies. And it all came flooding back. "Why is this happening to me?" "How can I be a good mom when I feel like this?" "Can I just sleep for the next three months?" "Make it go away!"

Then I read a beautiful article by a woman who is currently pregnant with her fifth child and who suffers from hyperemesis gravidarum- severe morning sickness all day for nine months- with every pregnancy. In it, she wrote about offering her body for the new life it was carrying. She wrote about how hard it is, and how she's had to rely on God every step of the way. It made me think a lot.  I realized that I would lay down my life down for this baby in an instant if I was called to do so, just as I would for my two boys. But instead God is calling me to lay down little pieces of my life- my health, my energy, the ability to eat some foods that I really love- for the sake of my child. It's not easy, it's not fun, it is a sacrifice. But it's a sacrifice that I am willing to make in order to bring a healthy baby into the world. And in offering those small sacrifices back up to God, He can use them to make me a more holy, more selfless person, more fit to care for the child that he is entrusting to me. And that I am happy to do.

So if you ask me how I'm feeling in the next couple of months, you may get more than you bargained for. I've always had a tough time suffering in silence. But I am trying to be mindful that my body is currently being used for a greater purpose than any that I could imagine for myself. If you think to remind me of that, I'd be grateful. Remind me that it's ok if the dishes don't get done, the laundry sits in the basket, the boys have a little more computer time than usual because I can't get off the couch. There is truly something amazing happening, and I have a front row seat!

Pregnant me... in the calm before the storm

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